Divergence #1: Brendan
Hello, and welcome to what we are calling Divergence episode 1. What you're about to hear is a recording from Brendan that he made last week. There is a lot of stuff
Speaker 2:in here.
Speaker 1:There is a lot of there's complex stuff. There's some dark stuff. There's some, unsettling stuff, maybe. If you are in a place where you're not feeling like you want that kind of stuff, then feel free to give this episode a miss. But I think it's really worthwhile hearing because this whole podcast is about us too on our own respective journeys and where they converge.
Speaker 1:And what is you know, we talk about what's real for us. We talk about what's what's going on, and this is an opportunity for Brendan to give you a real sense of what's alive for him right now. So, that's enough talking from me. I will be back at the end, of this episode to just to sort of close it out because there is some rawness in here, and I don't wanna leave it exposed. I want you to be able to walk away knowing that there is some resolution here.
Speaker 1:So, while we, you know, while we go through some some patches, know that at the end, we will have an opportunity to, to sort of seal that off. So with all that said, I will now leave you in Brendan's hands.
Speaker 2:I don't know what this is. Maybe maybe we can call it divergence, or maybe this will be just a therapy session for myself that never sees the light of day. I've got 3 friends. I have more than 3 friends, I'm proud to say. It's not something I've always been able to say, but right now I can say I have more than 3 friends.
Speaker 2:But I have 3 friends right now, that I'm thinking about that then I'll have some sort of health issue going on. And it's all kind of similar. I even have 4 friends if I think about it. And I kinda I'm I'm thinking about, like, kind of amalgamizing them into one person because of how similar their how similar their issues are affecting me because I want to help them. And for various reasons, all the same reason, they don't want my help or can't accept it.
Speaker 2:In one way or another, their issues have accelerated or grown or become something more. And I can't help but arrogantly think on the path to recovery or healing or in a better spot than they are now. That's their road to take, you know, every like the common wisdom, the prevailing wisdom, what I get told by both society and my own health coach who had to go through a similar problem when she found out all these opened all these chests of knowledge about health and healing and wanted to share them with all of her friends and family. And they were all like, back the fuck off. The same way my friends have been.
Speaker 2:That you gotta you you everybody has their own path to take, and they have to hit their own rock bottom. They have to hit their own level where they decide for themselves that it can't proceed the same way anymore. They've lived that life that they're living that has brought them these problems to its fullest potential, and now they can now they can change. And in a way that's really beautiful, and I love it. I had to do it.
Speaker 2:Sort of, actually, not really. You know, my my story is pretty fucking weird. Having having a partner a very complex partner that how do I even say it accurately? Like, because some people just call it abuse. And sure there was abuse.
Speaker 2:But there was also like there's self abuse. Like I kept myself trapped in that relationship. I have no moral qualms against divorce But but that I I I say that about myself and then I'm like, oh, yeah. That's right. It wasn't just divorce.
Speaker 2:I didn't care about that part. But I I stayed in there because of threat of suicide. So that was pretty, you know, if I if I left then she would kill herself and that was that was promised to me multiple times and so I couldn't live with myself with with that on my chest so I stayed. So that's abuse. But then she also wanted good for me.
Speaker 2:She pushed me and obviously, no justification for the previous part or the or the physical, mental, and emotional, and spiritual abuse. But the, you know, pushing me there was pushing me and I I did not reach a rock bottom. I mean, like my my rock bottom was pretty pathetic. I, you know, like my rock bottom was like was was my in laws finding out that I I snuck energy drinks behind my wife's back, my ex wife. It seems so it seems so pathetic now but I was like, oh man, I really had that's a low, you know, like and I I I find my my ex in laws to be kind of, kind of a thrill.
Speaker 2:They're really interesting peaceful people but they, have their own problem. They have a lot of problems and they're very abusive in their own right. And so I I didn't really have any, like, need to please them in any sort of way. It was it was all internal. It was all like, okay, I see where I'm hiding and hiding from myself, hiding from reality.
Speaker 2:Man, I was so blinded back then. I like, the world seems so much more open and beautiful now. It's crazy. Wow. Wow.
Speaker 2:And that's what I like and I don't know I can't see it through anybody else's eyes but my my my 3 friends my friend he can't I I don't know that he can. Maybe he can. Maybe he can see how beautiful the world is, how big it is, and how, helpful and healing life can be. But what I see is myself. I see 15 year ago me in their shoes, in their eyes.
Speaker 2:And not knowing or believing that there is another state of being that's happier and healthier. And like, you know, sure, they're happy, like they're content, but they're not in great health. They're not thriving and I want them to thrive. I want to thrive. Working on it.
Speaker 2:And also that's a big part of it too. The imposter syndrome not necessary I mean partially it's like I'm not in full health yet, but I'm still like, man, I've conquered so many things. And I've I've I've experimented on myself in so many ways that have just shown themselves to be true for this human body. I know every body every human is different, every person is different, but also we're we're all kind of the same. We're all mammals.
Speaker 2:We're all fucking humans. The cells are programmed to work in a certain way. They're supposed to react to certain stimuli and inputs. And, you know, every computer program is different, but you design the same a lot of computer programs are designed very similarly and they do very similar things when you put the same input in. Like you put your phone number in a phone number field on a website and it goes by various means into a database and and that's a line item that's tied with other things like your name and your your email and address and blah blah blah.
Speaker 2:Like, I was told last night while talking about one of these 4 friends that maybe he cares more but doesn't show it, and you show more but don't care as much. Weren't exactly the words, but it's more or less the message I heard. And it broke my heart. I thought, fuck. Is that how I come across?
Speaker 2:That I just show that I care, but I don't actually care as much as I show Because, god, that's not true. I feel it in my skin and my bones. I'm a care for my friends, for everybody I know, for people I don't know, for people that hate me, for people that have never known me. That's beside the point. I just I I it makes me sad to think that that this could be seen as as more than it is, more than the care that it is, anyways.
Speaker 2:My friends my friends don't ask for my advice. And I try to tell them anyway and they they don't listen because they don't want it and they're not ready for it and I need to find my peace with that. I have to I have to be okay with them hurting just generally and also just hurting themselves and seeing them do self self harming practices the way that I used to. The way that all my friends and family had to endure as I continued in a toxic relationship, poisoning myself with sugar and well, that was was my main poison of choice. And doing a bunch of unhealthy behaviors in order to acquire the sugar and decline and stealing and hiding.
Speaker 2:Hiding from myself, hiding from the world. They have their own path to take. They know I'm here if they want me. A lot of these friends don't actually reach out in general, not even for health advice, but kind of for anything. So sometimes I wonder are they even actually friends?
Speaker 2:They might this is made up of Do I not have 4 friends? Fuck. But then I, you know, I told a different friend that I was kinda sad that they didn't reach out more. And then they started reaching out more. It was really nice.
Speaker 2:Amazing how that goes when you when you speak your needs. I was advised to to start to to reach out to one of these amalgamized friends and tell them how I feel. I've done that oh, I did that with one of these 4 friends and it didn't change anything. He his personality type is very closed. It appears.
Speaker 2:And also, he's really depressed. 1, 2, 3, 4. They're all pretty depressed, actually. Men depression is really rough. It not clinically depressed.
Speaker 2:I'm saying as a friend what I observed from the outside, I don't know. But what I can say is how it affects me as their friend, and I am their friend, like one of them. They've all they've all voluntarily been there for me in different regards. And they kind of fucking show up when it matters. That's really really cool.
Speaker 2:But then, you know, there's there's just distance. There's just kinda nothing and I'm like, is it me? Is it them? Is it both? I didn't know what this is gonna be.
Speaker 2:I thought it was gonna be different though. I thought I wanted to lay out the solution to their problems. I just want my friends to be okay. And I want them to reach out to me and say hello and ask me how I'm doing and listen to my podcast and talk to me about stuff and tell me what's going on with their lives and come over and have dinner and and, like, go out camping and fucking I guess I should invite them more but I want to be invited. I want to be invited.
Speaker 2:I just constantly am begging my friends to be like, hey, I'm gonna do this thing, I'm gonna do this thing, I'm gonna do this thing. That's way overstating it. It's way more like pinging them with, hey, I thought of you. This thing made me thought I thought I think of you. Like, there's a music I think you'll like because I think about your taste in music, and I think that this aligns because what you like matters to me.
Speaker 2:What this isn't just a thing that I like. This is a thing I think that you will like. And to me that's love. And and then actually 90% of the time it feels like, It's just like crickets or banks. And then some friends I, I invite regularly over to, for dinner and that happens.
Speaker 2:It's always sort of, kind of anti climactic. Some friends I invite over and they just don't really come over. It's super busy. Some friends are out of town, they can't come over. And and I don't like making phone calls, because I don't want to impose at just a random time, hey, now we're talking.
Speaker 2:You know, I can't I as a maybe as a 9, I don't want to disturb the peace. It's both their peace and my peace and I don't I don't want to be an inconvenience. So I want to be this fucking shaman. I wanna be a healer to my community. It kind of started with this ability to to to kind of abilities, energetic abilities maybe, that that were kinda weird and and and unexplainable for a while.
Speaker 2:I used to be able to take a headache away from my ex wife, put my hand on her forehead, and just kind of concentrate in a in a weird way and it would relieve her headache. Oftentimes, I would also get that same headache and I'd be like, oh I can feel it right behind my eye and she's like, yes, the right eye? The right eye? Yeah. Or, oh, I feel it kind of like in a cluster in the back of my head.
Speaker 2:She's like, yeah. And it was oddly accurate, it was weird. After a certain point, I kind of was able to not feel it as much and just pull it and and make her feel better, which was which was cool. And I've given, you know, massages to people and I've I've been told my my my touch has some it feels good. It it makes things feel better.
Speaker 2:And also I have a sort of energy when I walk in the room. It people trust me. People are put at ease by my presence. It's apparently a a 9 thing and I think some other I don't think a Capricorn thing but maybe I think some other personality type thing just aligns with with that which is interesting but but it but I have it. What there and no matter how I got it I have it.
Speaker 2:I've been using it to my advantage. It makes it makes it really easy to talk with clients. I can come into their home and they feel at ease with me being there left alone with their keys and everything in their house and I could just rob them flat, but they know I won't because it won't. And, you know, I'd love to be able to use those gifts to help people. The people I love, people I don't know.
Speaker 2:But then I have these I have these friends and family members too. 2 major family members that absolutely do not want my advice. 1 of them told me, oh, this is really interesting to hear, but I'll never do any of it. Multiple told me multiple multiple family members told me that. 3, I think.
Speaker 2:And that's that leads me a little bit into my what I'm calling my manifesto. I might need a better name, that's just the name I have for it now. I actually don't think I've even looked up the definition of manifesto, if it may even make sense to call it that. But it just hit me like though that's what I should call it. Anyways, a lot of that is about fucking societal control, propaganda, governments and religions and society telling us what they want us to do, how they want us to be the big they, and how it's hard to break free of that.
Speaker 2:And so it's so weird too because like it's so religious and societal control is not new. But the control, the style of control that we're under right now is so new and so pervasive, so ubiquitous. It's everywhere. It's it's in every grocery shop. It's on every website.
Speaker 2:It's on every street. It's in every pocket. It's in every mind. We have a voice in our heads that is telling us to obey and telling us to follow the traditions, follow tribe, and a tribe is manipulated. A tribe is manipulated.
Speaker 2:I watched a really cool video by Kirkszakt, think I got that wrong, Kirkszakt. It's a German video producer of, little cartoon things with little ducks that hop around and talks about like the end of the world a lot. But they're like, you know, like 10, 15 minute videos of like a science question or a societal question, like how this things affect whatever. And it goes through, goes through laying it out in his truthful fashion as they can understand it, and then an opinion part at the end of how I can how we could fix it because it's usually a problem. We got a lot of problems.
Speaker 2:And there was one on the on social media and the bubble. The what's the name of that bubble? Where you only get the opinion you know or the like minded people. Name escapes me. Anyways, you know the bubble I'm talking about And research is showing that the on online that bubble doesn't really exist.
Speaker 2:You get exposed to a lot more things than you normally would have outside of the way that you think. The real bubble is at home in their meat space because you're around people that are close to you and the same kind of background, same kind of family, same kind of friends. You choose these people and they, that's your, that's your isolated bubble. And then online is where you actually get exposed to new ideas. I wouldn't say that it's an original thought to me, but I'm just happy that that's, that idea is kind of being pushed out there more.
Speaker 2:But like the same time, like I'm no defender of social media. I've been off for about a year. It's been fucking great. And man, do I feel more bubbled than ever? Like I am just in this health field where everything all my inputs are about what's better for me as a human and and everyone as a whole.
Speaker 2:And there's like because there's no politics, there's no fighting, there's no naysaying, there's no dissenting opinions. So I ask, I ask for that a lot. I ask, am I being crazy? I ask for gut checks a lot. I like tell me, tell me if I'm wrong here.
Speaker 2:I wanted my, I wanted my sign off on convergence to be and as always correct me if I'm wrong because that's my that's my pinned post on Twitter x that I put up there a couple years ago and and just always felt like that would be a really cool sign off especially on something that's like health related. But on the second episode, I forgot. The first episode, Mark was like, oh, we don't really have a sign off. And I'm like, I immediately say, correct me if I'm wrong. And then I forgot to do what's going on.
Speaker 2:And on 3rd episode, I remember it and I was like, oh, as always, wait. Anyways, I messed that up. And as always, correct me if I'm wrong. I want that, I I I wanna be right and if I'm wrong the only way to be right is to be corrected. Not everybody wants that.
Speaker 2:It's hard to it's hard to accept that from others that they, they just can go along with whatever. Not even whatever. Just go along with their own status quo. Because they don't have the capacity to change because change is hard. I didn't have the capacity for a long time to change, but I was kinda forced to.
Speaker 2:I and that that's what that's the point I was trying to get to. Then my ex wife, like, she had so many flaws, but she pushed me to read books, she pushed me, She read books to me. She forced me to go into, like, group meetings and she forced me to meditate and and all these things and sure. Yeah. I I ultimately chose to do them with my own free will, but I did it under slight duress.
Speaker 2:Like if if I didn't, there was gonna be a fight and I didn't want a fight again. Usually there was a fight anyway but there was a there were fewer fights if I went along with whatever she told me to do. And and I couldn't just leave like I said because I thought that she would kill herself and she made she made it clear to me that that was what would happen and so I couldn't live with that. So I made the choices myself, but under much duress. I don't know why I keep having to justify this to you.
Speaker 2:I I've told you a thousand times. I don't want to threaten my friends with suicide if they don't. Do you know what I say? Is that was that my rock bottom? Like, is that is that how that works?
Speaker 2:Is that the only way to have force somebody else to have a rock bottom? Is that, like, seeing the precipice of a person ending their life? I just wanna help my friends get better. I don't wanna threaten them. I want them to do it on their own and and like it and want it.
Speaker 2:It's obvious I care too much about this. To me, that was the end of the sentence not the beginning. Because apparently to others it's not so obvious that I care too much about this. Some of these friends would have no idea, like, I don't think I've all these all my friends even listen to this podcast level on know that I'm thinking about them nearly daily and their health issues and how some small tweaks to their lifestyle could make things a lot better for them. I think about it nearly every day.
Speaker 2:Each one of them Swishing that they could just listen and realize that the change is not so bad. That their lifestyle would stay pretty much the same and their life would improve, make things easier. That's the way I see it comfortably from this vantage point. The vantage point of having spent years so many years unhealthy, super blocked, super stuck and alone in my unhealth, and then fighting fucking tooth and nail out of it for years for years years without a clear sign that it was gonna work, trying all sorts of things that did not work, and continuing to try and try and try. That's the the grace and glory of fibromyalgia.
Speaker 2:It's just gonna keep hurting no matter what so you gotta keep trying. It's not gonna let up, it doesn't Santa's gonna be like, alright, here's a comfortable place for you to like stay in pain. Doesn't happen. Not for me. There's been points where I'm like, okay, if I never got better I'd be okay.
Speaker 2:But I'm still gonna keep trying because I've gotten better. And it was like this negotiation I had with a car salesman recently who messed up the paperwork and I wanted the car I wanted the price of the car to be lower, the amount financed. And then he messed up the interest rate. It was gonna he told us it was lower than it was actually going to be. So he wanted us to sign the papers that was going to be higher.
Speaker 2:I'm like, no, I actually told you before I want the price to be this and it's it's like 3, $200 more than that and I and I will send the paperwork at this lower cost but I want it to be with your higher interest rate. And and he came up with all these justifications of like, I don't know, like, about first of all he said I cannot do that. That's not possible. And then after after a while keep saying, you know, this is what I want. This is I don't see what your other options are.
Speaker 2:This is this is what's gonna happen. And then he said, okay. Well, I can give you a $100 off when I wanted, like, 2.50 off. And I'm like, okay. Well, you just opened the you you just exposed that first you lied to me and second, you can change the product, that cost.
Speaker 2:So it's gonna be the cost I want it to be or we're not proceeding. Like now you've just made it even more clear that that's what's gonna happen. He put me on hold. He muted me and possibly he asked for his manager's approval. I think he's just kind of cursing me out and then he did it.
Speaker 2:And I got this big, I got this court case coming up. I got this mediation and arbitration and I'm gonna tell my old client the way it is and we'll see what he says. But I I'm in a I'm in a comfortable position of knowing I I can't. Not only will I want well, I won't, but I can't back down. Like I have, I have a position and I see no middle.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'm I'm open to middle grounds. I'm open to options, but I I see none. I've thought about it a whole lot. And I see no I see no other options other than him ending the lawsuit. Otherwise, it's, it's just gonna hurt him and benefit me regardless.
Speaker 2:When they don't like what I have to say. Oh, that's everyone. That's not everyone, Brendan. People like what you have to say. Your friend Mark on this podcast loves hearing what you have to say and even even takes the, you know, the unfun stuff with a big smile.
Speaker 2:Told myself I wouldn't cry. Kind of undermines it when I make fun of myself as I'm doing it but I've been, I've been meaning to get to a therapist lately as you might notice. I had that traumatic accident t boned. Felt like I was watching my wife get crushed in front of me. This new wife that I love, not the old one who I loved but, wanted out and fantasized about her death.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, that's pretty weird isn't it? I did I fantasized about her death. I fantasized about something just happening to her. A quick death. Not no no illness.
Speaker 2:This is confession time. Holy shit. I I, you know, never put any plans in action. I didn't actually want it to happen, but I fantasized about it just being like ended. Not my problem anymore.
Speaker 2:Not my fault either. And walk away scot free. And a much better solution happened. She found the she found her 1st grade crush and reconnected with with him and he took her off my hands. It's so great.
Speaker 2:What a story. It's so much weirder and better than what I just made it out to be. What was I talking about? My traumatic experience, I don't wanna talk about. I thought that my wife was being crushed to life, not to death.
Speaker 2:I thought that she was gonna stay alive and be mutilated from the neck down because all I could see was her face. I didn't know how much of her was being smashed to bits by a truck that I didn't see coming. It's amazing that we walked away from that crash. But yeah I feel like I should probably talk to somebody about that and so instead well not instead, I am I scheduled with a new MDR therapist. I might go see my talk therapist again.
Speaker 2:That's coming up, up. I'm gonna do it. I promise. But for now, I'm just gonna talk at my phone and into a microphone like it's a podcast. This is not like a podcast is it?
Speaker 2:It's is this what Mark is this what you do? No. This is not what you do. Your solo podcast are delightful. Mine are, like, pretty depressing.
Speaker 2:My friends need to get out of their moldy environments. See good doctors that aren't a part of the medical establish the western medicine establishment. That actually want to heal the root causes and figure out what the problems are and eat beans. I mean, it helps, but it's not, that's not everything. Unique would say it's everything or nearly every the pillar, I think it's very helpful and should be included, should be part, apart.
Speaker 2:It's it's not a cure although. But I'm pretty I'm pretty proud of this new new to me way of framing, at my advice on how to eat. The the who, what, when, where, why, and how of eating. And that seems so like, seems so simple. And I've got it, I've got it in my manifesto now and I'm gonna kind of expand on it.
Speaker 2:I think or maybe pare it down. I don't know. But those 6 questions are just, like, the majority of of the principles for how food needs to be as I see it and what's worked for me. The when of eating is really important. Who would have known?
Speaker 2:Scientists, turns out. I've achieved a lot of self love. I am really happy with myself and I'm happy with who I've become. I'm I'm proud of myself. I've done a lot of work and it's, it shows to me.
Speaker 2:I, I see it in myself now. I see, I seem so different to myself. And, like I've needed outside validation. I still feel like I don't, like I'm pretty sent like I'm I'll carry on just fine without outside validation. But also, I can see and feel that I want to say the palpable lack, which is contradiction, but the the visceral emptiness of of very much outside influence telling me that I'm doing alright.
Speaker 2:That they like what I'm putting out. Like, I'm getting that from Mark. I'm getting it from Margaret. I'm getting it from a couple of my friends. I'm getting it from a health coach even, like, who's also, a podcasting client and just a friend.
Speaker 2:And we she's a great advisor. But also like it it's, you know, it's a weird relationship. It's not we don't we don't just hang out, you know. Our interactions are either for the HER podcast which I feel very tied to its production of, so I feel very part of it. So it feels like our project and then my health, you know, a monthly phone call about my health.
Speaker 2:And we don't it's not like a great bond there. It's it's just kind of 2 dimensional, But I don't I don't get a lot of feedback that's like, you're pretty great Brendan. Man, I get that from Margaret. And and that feels that feels amazing. And I get it from myself and that feels amazing and maybe that should be all I need.
Speaker 2:But I want, I want a group. I want a tribe. I want, I want, like, 5 to 15 people. We all really fucking get along. We're close knit.
Speaker 2:We help each other. We advise each other. We're there for each other. And in some ways, I feel like I'm like, I've got that like so close, so close. And it's just missing like the 10% that matters, 15% that that matters in my head of how it would actually switch over to be something that's fulfilling because right now it's just draining.
Speaker 2:Because it feels like all of the output and none of the input or little of the input. It doesn't feel like an equal exchange. I feel like I try harder. I feel like I'm always trying and not really getting. And that's on me.
Speaker 2:Mentals on them. It's on me, you know. I don't know what this is. Definitely a divergence. I didn't really feel like this should come out in the show.
Speaker 2:In a conversation. But I also do kinda wanna talk I wanna talk about all of it. I'll think about it. Whoever you are, thanks for listening and I really hope to hear some feedback from you about whatever this was and whatever you think about it. How do you relate?
Speaker 2:Do you do you think I'm way off base? Do you feel the same way about yourself or about me? Leave a comment down below. Like and subscribe. Hit the smash button.
Speaker 2:I've never done a YouTubes. That's not true. I made a bunch of really silly YouTubes. Okay. I'm I'm done.
Speaker 1:Mark, again, just to thank you for listening, and to say that while some of that stuff is affecting, we will talk about it. We have already talked about it. And if you were in any doubt, and this is not a judgment against Brendan, but just to say that everything is fine. We have a a really good conversation about this. And while there is some serious face stuff going on, there's also some smiley face and some genuine, happiness and and and whimsy as well, coming up.
Speaker 1:So next week, we will talk about that. And and I want you to know that, there is yeah. There's there's a there's a lot here, and there's so much goodness, and so much love that I think you can hear throughout, throughout Brendan's piece. And, yeah, we get to celebrate that, and we will do next week. So, thank you.
Speaker 1:And, if you do have any thoughts, if there's anything cropped up for you, then you can email convergencepod@icloud.com. We will be happy to to read, your thoughts, and, you know, as we will reward your honesty as, as much as, Brendan has has been honest with you as well. So, thanks for lending us your ears, and we'll speak to you next week.
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